When you’re worth more dead than alive
Mood:  blue
 I understand how my brother felt the night he died. Having nowhere to go and all your options exhausted. You feel the suffocation brought about by desperation. I will never condone what he had done. He pulled the whole family into the mess that he created. If he only had the courage to admit to what he had done…there could have been a way out without his life being lost. If only...

 

I understand what he felt because I feel the pressure of facing the problems that he left. Sometimes my mind wanders into scenarios and options that normally I will never have considered. But then you realize, you are now worth more dead than alive. Who in their right mind will help you without getting something in return?

 

We have been trying to sell our home or as collateral for a loan so that we can solve the problems. Yes, the payment of a loan will take time but it is a secured loan. However, until now no one has shown interest.

 

What else do we have?  

Christmas Prayer
Mood:  sad

It’s Christmas. We are spending it at home. We can not afford the luxury of going out. Actually what pains me, is seeing the expectation in a child’s eyes and having nothing to give. Every Christmas day, my mother prepared small gift packs for the less fortunate children in our community. This Christmas, she could not afford it.

 

Have you ever dreaded tomorrow? I often wish tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow we have to face the problems again and maybe new ones as well. As the minutes draw closer to the tomorrow, my depression increases. But praying for a better tomorrow is all we can do.

To bear another cross
Mood:  sad

Sometimes I can’t help but question why I got better. I was deeply ill back then. I was in excruciating pain and was unable to move and do simple tasks. Pulling my body up from bed was a painful ordeal in itself. Every movement had to be planned.  To escape the pain, I practically slept the whole day. Even so, I always felt tired. I wanted to die, not because I was giving up but because I was useless.

 

 

Anyone who saw me back then knew instantly that I was sick. It was at that point in my life that I decided to go to the province. I said to myself that either I will get better or I will die trying. I stopped all my meds and willed my body to move.   

 

Miraculously, I slowly gained my strength and the pain that I felt lessened. I thought that God must have something in store for me. I can not describe exactly in words the physical and emotional pain I felt then. I was just thankful that it was finally gone.

 

But now, I feel that what I am tasked to do is too much for me. The day to day anguish and mental torture is suffocating. Even sleeping, which was my refuge then, offers no escape. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. My back is already against the wall. No one is willing to help. Those that do show interest are driven by their own selfish motives. I guess trust is hard to come by these days.

 

This cross is to much for me to bear.

The Lies have Started
Mood:  blue

I attended a preliminary investigation last Dec 6 in behalf of my mom. The charge stemmed from an unfunded check my late brother (and his wife)issued. Without my mom's knowledge, he had used a blank company check pre-signed by her (for emergency purposes) to secure a loan. In fact, the complainant herself narrates that it was my brothers assistant who approached her to borrow money and it was her who received the money as well. That in exhange for the loan the assistant agreed to an interest of 5% a month. It appears that she believed it was the assistants own personal check she was receiving and she (complainant) did not scrutinize the check. Had she did, she would have found it peculiar that it was a company check signed by a different person. I guess she was to eager to think of the interest she was going to get. She only learned who the signatory of the check was when it bounced.

When I got home, I had to rush to another court. Unfortunately, another case was filed by another person whom my brother also got a loan from. I had to secure copies of the complaint which I had to take the lawyer. This was a far more serious complaint since it has been forwarded for investigation. The lawyer had to file a response for fear that a warrant may be issued for my mom. This complainant alleges that it was my mom who personally secured from him a loan sometime January 2007 at a mall. He was lyong through his teeth. My mom (and us) did not even know who he was. The first time we saw and talked to him was during my brothers wake. He has resorted to lying just to make his complaint stick. It was my late brother who got loans from him since early 2006 using my mothers pre-signed blank company checks. He happily obliged the loans for he was earning exhorbitant interest from my brother as high as 10 % per month. I guess that as long as he received his interest, he did not find it peculiar that the checks he received was not signed by my brother.

Now that what my brother has done has been uncovered, they are desperate to pin the blame on my mom. The lies have started and it breaks my spirit to see the the physical and emotional toll that it is taking on her. Sometimes I feel so angry that I want to take things in my own hands. What's worst is that some people, with their own personal gain in mind, see that we are desperate for money want to bleed us dry even more. Christmas is far from our mind. I just pray we survive.

       

A Hopeless Cause?

It was too naive of me to think that things will eventually work out. I half expected that when people, who my mom selflessly (and religiously) served and helped throughout the years, came to know of her current predicament - there will be an outpouring of generosity. I whole heartedly believed that nothing untoward will happen to my mom because of all the good things that she had done in her life.

 All my efforts to secure a loan has failed miserably. I have offerred our house as collateral for the loan and even for sale - still no takers. It is really quite frustrating to be in this situation. I do understand that times are very hard. With this economy, no one will trust you or at least give you a chance. 

I have pinned my hopes on a distant friend who expressed concern and a possible solution. But maybe reality set in and I haven't heard from him since. To date, I am now personally in debt trying to ease the situation and settle minor problems. I estimate that it will take me three years to pay that off with my own meager salary. Considering that my employment status is now on and off - it is the most I can offer.

Just today I learned that a warrant of arrest may be issued against my mother at anytime. This was a result of one of the loans my late brother and her wife  secured without my moms knowledge. We can not even pay for the services of a lawyer and worst to post bail. We are already struggling for our daily living as it is. On top of that is the fear that we may be evicted from our own home before the year ends. 

What my late brother and her wife has snowballed into one gigantic mess. I fear that our family can hold out for so long. I dont know what will happen or what to do next. I have explored everything, even begging for help.

To those who by chance gets to read this, please pray for my mom and our family. May the Lord God give me guidance and patience. And to the generous persons who donated and trusted us....may He shower you and your family with blessings a hundred fold.

This is the saddest Christmas we will ever have.......     

Still No Luck
Mood:  sad
I feel that world is slowly crumbling all around us. To date, several letters have been sent to my mother demanding payment for the loans my eldest brother left our family. Each day I wake up to more problems than the day before. I fear that my best efforts to shield my mother from further pain, isn't enough. I am running out of options.

It is quite disheartening to be shunned by people you thought of as friends. Truly, you get to learn who your friends are when you are down. However, in the midst of all of this I have learned that there are still a few people who can still show compassion. A former high school schoolmate took the time to offer words of encouragement and give me hope. I owe him more than he will ever know.

Updates
Mood:  sad
I just wanted to pop in to update those of you who are keeping track of our plight. Right now we still haven't been successful in finding an individual or institution willing to give us a loan. If you are reading this and know someone who can help us please send us an email at amateur_artist07@yahoo.com

On a postivie note, we received another donation via Paypal which brings the total to $11. Thank you so much to the kind-hearted individual who sent us a donation, your generosity is a blessing!

For those who would like to help us by sending a donation, you can do so by clicking on the Paypal button. Any amount will help, thank you so much!

Thank you to our first donors!
Mood:  a-ok
I'd like to say thank you to our two first donors who wish to remain anonymous. You have made our day and made us feel hopeful. It's true, there are angels among us and random acts of kindness still exist. Thank you!

We still have a long way to go, please watch the video and read the whole story below.

Watch our video on Youtube
Mood:  not sure

HOW YOU CAN HELP
Mood:  blue
There are different ways you can help me raise funds:

1. By giving us a loan. I know a huge amount is at stake but I will furnish you more details before we proceed. All we need is someone who will trust us and give us a break. We will repay you, it may take long but rest assured you will be paid. You can contact me at amateur_artist07@yahoo.com

2. By sending donations via Paypal. Any amount will do and will be greatly appreciated. In return I will send you a copy of one of my artworks through email. You can browse my art gallery here. You can send donations by clicking the Paypal button.

3. You can also help us by promoting this blog to your family, friends and online groups.

4. And of course by praying for us.

You can read the whole story on why I need to raise funds from the entry below. If you're wondering who I am, get to know me by going to my other websites:

My website on cardboard models
My other blog on the Orble network
My gallery on Deviant Art
My articles on Associated Content

Thank you to anyone who are willing to bestow their kindness and trust on me and my family. God bless to all.